How To Disappear Completely

Don't Take the Lid Off the Popcorn Pan Before the Popcorn Stops Popping (and Other Helpful Hints from the Not So Heloise)

If one can't be a domestic goddess, then one can at least avoid becoming a domestic gargoyle. And so I offer these oft overlooked but extremely practical tips that help any culinary prosletyte attain the Fields of Elysium.

*Do not remove the lid from the popcorn pan whilst the popcorn still poppeth. Not unless you are one of those leisured souls who has tired of 52 pick-up and wants to try something different.

*If microwaving a potato, as I highly recommend all potato chefs to try, as the method is quite satisfactory, remember to puncture the skin with the cut of a knife, prior to commencing the heating process. If the building steam finds no escape route preordained, it will accordingly exercise its own free will in the matter. The results are, again, of the sort that only leisured souls might care to indulge in.

*If preparing a chile relleno, read carefully whatsoever labels do identify the chosen peppers. Do not take for granted that simply because the pepper is long and green, it is therefore an Anaheim and not a Jalepeño.

*If, in the event that the previous hint was peremptorily ignored, and one's upper palate and tongue are suffering for the arrogance of the mind, simply douse a moderate amount of salt upon the dish. Salt cuts the fire quite effectively.

*When baking bread without a timer, mark the minutes by chatting online, and placing the whole burden of memory on the shoulders of the Other. Choose a time 15 or 20 minutes into the future, and ask the participant in the online conversation to remind you to remove the bread before the house burns down (since you have already calculated the time that such an event would require, you communicate the necessary details at this point).

*Capitulate to the modern necessity of measuring cups. If you possess not these vital culinary utensils, purchase them immediately. Cookies that resembleth cakes are palatable to no one.