Latest Articles by Sarah Canice Funke
The following will most likely be amusing only to the parties involved and their immediate family members. This is the result of an on-going facebook "wall story" that illustrates what happens when Stephen and I put our minds to crazy work. I am compiling it here to have it more or less in one spot. It might even be updated as the story unfolds. Don't look for a plot. It doesn't exist....
Stephen Baran wrote at 12:44pm on November 27th, 2006
Once upon a time there was a IT, not the IT, but still a pretty important IT. This IT was friends with a Thing and They would play for hours on end. but who said anything about They? IT and Thing went out one day to the store. "I would like to buy that" said IT. "That is not for sale," said the owner of the store "he has been a good employee and I don't want to part with him." "No," replied IT "not the person the thing" at this Thing perked up and said "Why would you buy me? This store doesn't even own me." "I'm leaving" said IT and was about to go out when he herd "No I'm Leeving. Your IT, I've herd of you. You make a hole lot of trouble" and with that they picked Him up and through Him out. "Wrong person" said IT "that was Him, you were going after me." and with That, They, Him, Leeving, Thing and the store owner chased IT off into the sunset.
Sarah Funke wrote at 9:32pm on November 28th, 2006
But when IT ran into the sunset, he burned his toes. "Ouch," IT said, little realizing that the sun had feelings that were being hurt as IT spoke.
"Why?" asked the sun.
"Not you!" IT said.
"Usually not," said the sun. But IT wasn't listening. In fact, IT was staring off in the other direction, wondering where Thing had gotten off to. But it was too dark to see a Thing because the sun had left in a huff, which some think is a mood, but really is an obsolete vehicle that was discontinued sometime in the 1920s when teenage boys discovered that one could make them explode quite easily simply by pouring powdered milk in the gas tanks.
And so IT was left in darkness, alone.
Sarah Funke wrote at 12:43pm on November 30th, 2006
But the darkness that surround IT was not really all that dark, but only sort of dark, because the world didn't really revolve around IT, but around the sun, which was, of course, round. So residual light patterns danced across the landscape, in perfectly choreographed form, stopping only to change the CD when the soft strains of their gansta rap back-up music faded into the distance.
IT was getting restless. Now what was IT to do?
Stephen Baran wrote at 3:12pm on November 30th, 2006
No sooner than IT thought this a train came along and stopped in front of IT.
"Hello," said IT "are you waiting for someone?"
But the train did not respond.
"HELLO? Anyone in there?"
Still no response. So IT decided to clime up and search the train. As IT was stepping up onto the first step a woolly mammoth charged onto the scene and almost trampled IT flat. As the mammoth was going past it was mumbling something about a green hippo that had come over to his house and had eaten all of the leftover cabbages, witch were in fact the very cabbages that he had grown in his garden In the proses of the mammoth getting onto the train IT was knocked off the train and lay in the snow on the ground. As IT got up he found it strange that there would be a single pile of snow in the middle of nowhere.
“You probably would like to know why I'm here,” said the snow pile “but if I told you that, I would have to kill you.”
“Fine,” said IT “I don't care that much”
Stephen Baran wrote at 3:12pm on November 30th, 2006
The pile of snow then nodded in the fashion only piles of snow can do, and promptly got onto the train and melted. Then the train sped away heading in a north by south direction. At this point in time a turtle fell into a pot of tar and was stuck. IT was wondering were the train was going and decided to rent a go-cart to follow the train.
Sarah Funke wrote at 12:00pm on December 1st, 2006
But the line-up for the go-cart rentals stretched for miles and miles, and IT knew that even if he found the pile of water that had once been snow, he would never get a real answer. The green hippo lumbered up towards IT. "It never snows in Paris." said the hippo.
Sarah Funke wrote at 3:09pm on December 1st, 2006
"But I'm not IN Paris," IT said.
"Oh," said the green hippo. "Well, never mind, then."
"But I'll take note of that next time I travel," IT said.
"When one is standing in line for go-cart rentals, others just assume one is traveling," remarked the green hippo.
"One left a long time ago," interrupted IT. "I'm IT."
"Ah. That would explain the confusion," mumbled the green hippo, and he lumbered off into the sunset, even though the sun had already set and there was no sunset anymore, simply because he had nothing else to do, and the narrator wanted him out of the way.
"Finally," said IT to nobody in particular. "Peace at last."
Stephen Baran (Colorado Springs, CO) wrote at 3:58pm on December 1st, 2006
Two months later IT was standing in the line to get a go-cart, and there were only two people in front of IT. One of the people was a philosopher and was debating the sails person on why the sign on the door said "Rentals". The other was a business man whom had a briefcase full of cold pizza. Finally the philosopher debated himself out of existence and the business man walked up to the desk.
“What kind of go cart would you like to rent?” asked the sails person.
“I am going on a long trip and would like to rent a military vehicle.”said the man.
“you must have a green slip to rent one of those”
“Really? I must say, it's a good thing I have a green slip on today!”
(this section was edited for your enjoyment)
IT walked up to the desk and started to ask for a go-cart, when the sails person handed him the keys of a new subsonic jet.
“Go ahead, take it,” he said “I was going to take a ride but I'm closing up shop for now. Good buy.”
Sarah Funke wrote at 11:15am
And it certainly was a good buy. The interior of the super subsonic jet had been decorated by none other than Armani himself: "Suits me to a T," said IT, although he did wonder why the manager of a go-cart rental had been called a sails manager when none of the vehicles sold or rented actually used wind power. He wonder, that is, until he looked again at the super subsonic jet and noticed that there were no wings on the plane. "Hey!" IT said. "where are the wings to this plane?"
"That's your problem," said the businessman. "You got a plane. You should have asked for the fancy. Excuse me, but my pizza's getting cold and I have a military to hop."
"Your pizza already IS cold," informed IT.
"Hey, how did YOU know," asked the businessman suspiciously.
"I have intimate connections to the narrator," grumbled IT. And the conversation was officially over.
"How am I going to power a super subsonic jet with sails!!" he asked the world in general. But then he remembered the philosopher...