How To Disappear Completely

Missing Home

If you are not from Colorado, you won't get this at all. But for everyone who is, the truth of the matter is startling. (Taken from a Facebook group dedicated to Colorado.)

You have absolutely no recognizable accent. (And proud of it!)

If the humidity gets above 25%, you consider it "muggy". (heck, I even thought Arizona was muggy.)

You only go to Central City when friends are in from out of town.

You have been skiing less than 10 times in your life. (People who live in Colorado don't actually go skiing. Only the tourists go skiing.)

You think 5-points is a ghetto.

You are the third car to run a red light after it has changed.

You say things like "I don't care how big Golden is, it's still a one-horse town".

You think only stupid people get lost in your town. (don't they?)

When giving directions, you never say "Turn left, turn right", it's always go West, then South.

During a thunderstorm you wonder "which I-25 underpass is flooding".

You never plan a picnic between 3:30 and 6:00 in Spring or Summer months. (Those thunderstorms)

If it rains more than 2 days straight you compare the weather to being in Seattle.

You voted for higher taxes to fund Coors field, but voted down taxes for public transportation.

You have a broken windshield. (yes, I do, as a matter of fact, and STILL haven't fixed it.)

You see no reason to travel to Aurora.

The only RTD bus you've been on is the 16th Street shuttle.

You carry your $3,000 mountain bike on top of your $500 car.

You thought "Californication" would be banned by Amendment 2.

You think "South Park" is a place to stop for gas on your way to Buena Vista.

You have a business degree and are frying burgers at a McDonald's in Vail.

You have a flat tire in your refrigerator and your garage.

You own a big dog named Aspen, Buck, Cheyenne or Dakota that wears a bandanna.

You cast out your fishing line while white-water rafting.

You've never seen the tourist attractions in your own city. (The reason we went up Pikes Peak is that I was leaving for college, and thought I probably ought to say I'd been to the mountain I'd lived under 13 years of my life.)

You think a pass does not involve a football or a woman.

You are 82 years old and take up snowboarding.

Your real Y2K fear was running out of Celestial Seasonings tea and trail mix.

The entire top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail. (But only if you live in Manitou Springs.)

You personally wouldn't pay $10 per head to drive up Pikes Peak unless it was the only mountain on earth, but you tell all our house-guests to do it. (Nope. I wouldn't. And yes, I do.)

You get depressed after one day of foggy weather. (so true. where's my sun? people not from colorado don't understand this.)

You think that formal wear is ironed denim. (so we have a contingency of cowboys who are similar but nevertheless rather distinct from their southern counterpart, the Redneck.)

North means "mountains to the left;" south is "mountains to the right;" and east and west are where all those damned liberals keep moving in from.

You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels "sticky" and you notice the sky is no longer blue.

You consider a three-piece suit to be a pair of shorts, a sweatshirt and Birkenstocks.

You see your East Coast relatives now more than when you lived there.

You think gun control is a steady hand.

You can run up 10 flights of stairs without huffing and puffing.

You've stood on solid ground and looked down on an airplane in flight.

You know what the "Peoples Republic of Boulder" means.

You're a meat eating vegetarian.

You think the major food groups are Boulder Bars, tofu and Fat Tire Beer.

You've been tear gassed in a riot to celebrate your local sports team's victory.

You can drive over a 12,000 foot pass in 4 feet of snow, but can't get to work if there are 4 inches of snow. (Ha. Again I say, ha!)

You know the correct pronunciation of Buena Vista. (But of course...don't you?)

When you visit friends at sea level, you can drink a case of beer and not get a buzz. (I've never actually tried this...yet.)

Your car insurance costs more than your car. (The benefits to living somewhere where you don't need a Beemer.)

You have surge protectors on every outlet. (I have friends who have lost computers due to lightning strikes.)

April showers bring May blizzards. (Yes. It snowed at my friend's high school graduation.)

You see someone riding a Harley in a snowstorm, and you look closer to see if it's anyone you know.

"Timberline" is someplace you have actually been. Many times. (It's only at 12,000 feet.)

You know what a "Chinook" is. You know what a "rocky mountain oyster" is. You know what a "fourteener" is. But you don't know what a "turn signal" is. (Yes, this is true. And don't ask about the oysters....)

A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you nearly as much as a Democrat in Congress does. (hahahaha. Oh, yes. So true.)

Your golf bag has a 9-iron, a 3-wood and a lightning-rod. (Those thunderstorms come up fast.)

People from other states breathe 5 times as often as you do. (Well, they have five times as much air!)

Having a Senator named Nighthorse doesn't seem strange. (You got a problem with that?)

Thunder has set off your car alarm. (Y'all live too close to the sky!! ~a Southern friend)

A sudden loss of cabin pressure is not a big deal. (Hey, we already live in thin air.)

"Where we're going, we don't need roads!" (ah, the joys of snowmobiling or off-roading, depending on the current ground cover...)

You know where Doc Holliday's grave is.

You can recognize the license plates of all 50 states on sight.

Driving directions usually include 'Go over ____ Pass...'

You've gone skiing in July. You've gone sunbathing in January. They were both in the same year.

You get a certain feeling of satisfaction from knowing that California and Texas are both downstream. (There is absolutely NO rivalry here at all....)

You know the elevation of a town, but not its population.

You never pack away your coat and sweaters.

You can name only two people you know who were actually born in Colorado. (I can name a few more, but yeah, most people in Colorado are from California....)

You call tumbleweed "groundcover".

You love your Broncos, your Avs, your Rockies, Nuggets - well you can't have everything.

You or someone you know plays golf 12 months of the year.

You don't have AC in your home, but you use it in your car all winter long.

If it snows in the morning you expect it to be gone by lunchtime. (Unless there is a blizzard. Then it lasts till the next day.)

You can name the states that make up the Four Corners. (Utah, Colorado, New Mexico, Arizona.)

You know what and where the Continental Divide is.

When you aren't in Colorado, you no longer know which direction is which, because you can't see the mountains. (This is my problem, people! I am not navigationally challenged at home!)

You don't care that some company renamed it, the Broncos still play at Mile High!

Every movie theater has military and student discounts. (Good ol Air Force Academy and military bases...)

You know what Focus on the Family is, and you feel very strongly about it in one direction or another. (FotF has a very strong presence.)

You know what a "trust fund hippie" is, and you know its natural habitat is Boulder.

You still call it “Elitches.” (Yeah, for some stupid reason, the name was changed to "Six Flags.")

You scoff at the “five-day forecast.” (If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes...Colorado is the only place I've been where you get a blizzard one day and 60 degree weather the next.)

You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over their snowsuit. (It always snows on Halloween. It is tradition.)

You know what I'm talking about when I say, "You don’t need an airplane to be in the mile-high club in Denver".

You’ve grown up with the most beautiful sunsets in the world, and didn’t miss them until you left. (I miss them.)

Posted by funke at 22.01.07 14:28 | TrackBack | Posted to