Latest Articles by Sarah Canice Funke
*I stole this off Stephen's Facebook profile after laughing for a good two minutes.
It's National Talk Like a Pirate Day. Break out the peg legs and drink up me hearties, yo ho. Maybe wear a little scurvy eyeliner, as that seems to be the pirate fashion rage.
I personally want one of these, if only to achieve the satisfaction of the Ultimate Career Move: "In the career mode, you can rise from playing in park gazebos for church picnics to performing in the halftime show of the Harvard-Yale game," Hendleman said. "If you score enough points, you can unlock the ultimate level: playing in the John Philip Sousa–led Marine Band at Grover Cleveland's inauguration."
Personally, I am disappointed that the projected Steam Calliope Hero had to be shelved because of Sousaphone Hero's sluggish sales...
And....Happy White Rabbit!
I always knew Covenant's own John Holberg was on the cutting edge.
And just to prove how much Jo and I should have been real life friends, I noticed that she, too, was enjoying some library humor this morning.
Idea for humorous short story. Little boy stuck outside playing football while all his friends get to practice the violin....
I was really looking for the scene with the ironed grill cheese sandwiches, but YouTube doesn't seem to have it.
At the stroke of eleven on a cool April night, a woman named Joey Perrone went overboard from a luxury deck of the cruise liner M.V. Sun Duchess. Plunging toward the dark Atlantic, Joey was too dumbfounded to panic.
'I've married an asshole,' she thought, knifing headfirst into the waves.
Any book that starts like that has to be read to the finish. So I am.
Skinny Dip by Carl Hiaasen. Since I finished Heart of Darkness, I feel I need some light reading for a bit.
(Pardon the language, but it just seemed to state the obvious in such a ridiculous way that I left it in.)
Musicologists are such geeks.
You might want to read the previous entry for context, however.
The fact that I find this hilarious just means...well...let's not go there.
Words are working hard for you
I don't know whether to laugh or be amazed at the [space] oddity.
For more tracks, stream the entire album of futuristic astronautical mash-ups.
And to get yourself ready for the beach....you are either going to love love love the Beach Boys/Beastie Boys mash-up or hate hate hate it.
Also, a word of caution to my gentle readers: some of the tracks receive an R rating from yours truly.
Now you need wonder no more.
I've been wasting an insane amount of time on the iLike music challenge. To play, the computer runs about 30 seconds of a song clip and you choose the right answer from a set of four options. On facebook, your score is recorded and you are ranked against your friends. Demonstrating my severe addiction is the fact that I currently hold twice the points of the next in line (amongst my friends). But really it's because of the system I have developed, since I don't actually know much music (although I do nail every Johnny Cash and Postal Service option for some reason).
Here is my system as it stands so far: For the pop singers, the title of the song will generally appear in the lyrics. Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone" is thus painfully easy. For more alternative, hipster artists (whose titles could wrap round a block and never appear in the actual song), one can either guess wildly or take a second approach. Either one can guess at where the lyrics might be going or else determine the mood of the piece and make one's guess from there. I have to admit that I haven't figured how to beat the hip-hop/rap genre, other than eliminating options based on gender.
...we have audio and video clips...why don't they invent olfactory clips so we can share fragrances with our friends? We could call the downloadable format mpUs...
Which would have involved quite the generational clash of styles and maybe a resurrection. No, wait, Bing didn't die till 1977, but he would have been rather old.
But Bill Cosby singing "Stg. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" is still worth a listen.
I've always wondered what that would sound like. In fact, the sheer curiosity has kept me up at night.
Now I can sleep again.
During the performance, he will escape from a sack, three padlocks, and a pair of handcuffs.
Ah, me. I love this piece. And Monty Python just makes it better.
Part of me just busts out laughing at the sheer preposterousness of this psuedo-Austro-German: he is quite "sincerely" trying to "fix" Thelonius Monk's music. Adorno rises again!! But upon further reflection, I realize that jazz musicians do the same all the time: take a tune, play around with it, spice it up, move it around, and generally just spit it back out in a semi-recognizable guise. And I realize that the bottom line, the acceptability factor, the crux of the matter is simply an issue of race. (PS See comment thread for further explanations of this entry....)
The handicap ramp.
Speaking of funny videos, this cover of Iron Maiden's song "The Trooper" is totally rockin' my world. I told Luke I fully expect any/all of his future children to be doing that someday. Train up a child in head-banging and when she is old she will become rich and famous. But besides just being too cute, these guys are actually pretty good. Thanks, Josiah.
1. What time did you get up this morning? 6am
2. Diamonds or pearls? pearls
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Amazing Grace (I recommend it)
4. What is your favorite TV show? Slings and Arrows
5. What did you have for breakfast this morning? orange juice, a slice of cheese, and a lemon scone a few hours later.
6. What is your middle name? Canice
7. What is your favorite food? Salmon
8. What foods do you dislike? Any meat that is not cooked all the way. Except steak...can handle a little bit of pink in steak.
9. Favorite chips? Sun Chips
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? This is kind of too hard. It's like asking me to pick my favorite child. If I had children. You know what I mean. I will say that I'm loving Ruby Vroom. But then, I really love my M. Ward (I have Transfiguration of Vincent). And my White Album from St. Petersburg (Back in the U.S.S.R. lyrics in Russian!) will always be special. And Black Yankee Rock...love that one too. And Stravinsky. Okay. I shouldn't have attempted to answer this question....
11. What kind of car do you drive? Toyota Matrix
12. What is your favorite sandwich? an ice cream sandwich. or the earl of Sandwich. I think he might be my favorite...
13. What characteristics do you despise? People who are not boys whose lives revolve around boys and therefore have no lives of their own.
14. What are your favorite clothes? My beret. But I wear other things too.
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would it
be? Colorado Mountains. Although lately I have been intrigued by Alberta.
16. Favorite brand of clothing? Thrift store. Or a junkyard.
17. Where would you want to retire? Colorado Mountains?
18. Favorite time of day? Morning
19. Where were you born? Mepmphis, TN
20. What is your favorite sport to watch? Fencing
21. Who do you think will not send this back? I am not sending it to any one.
22. Person you expect to send it back first? I am not sending it to any one.
23. Pepsi or Coke? Actually I like Ginger Ale.
24. Beavers or ducks? Beavers of course! The Canadian national animal.
25. Are you a morning person or night person? I'm a morning person. At least, the morning is when I am most optimistic and coherent. I can be a night person until about 12pm. Then I crash. I am NOT an afternoon person. I never could get the hang of afternoons and never will.
26. Pedicure or manicure? Pedicure
27. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? hmmmm. Is this an infoquiz?
28. What did you want to be when you were little? A world famous author.
29. What is your best childhood memory? I think tying all of my shoes together at the laces and making it into a train for my stuffed animals. Or else illustrating the little (somewhat boring) short stories I used to write as a kid. Or else convincing my sisters to let me tie them up so they could see how long it took them to get undone. This, I admit, was a bit mean, but so much fun.
30. Piercing(s)? ears
31. Ever been to Africa? No
32. Ever been toilet papering? Does forking count? I've cleaned up toilet papering.
33. Been in a car accident? No
34. Favorite day of the week? Sunday
35. Favorite restaurant? There is a really good Lebanese restaurant in Burlington, ON, but I forget its name now.
36. Favorite flower? Sunflowers.
37. Favorite ice cream? cookies and cream
38. Favorite fast food restaurant? A & W (unless Tim Horton's counts...)
39. How many times did you fail your drivers test? none. I've never gotten a ticket, either. While driving that is. I only have problems when I leave my car...
40. From whom did you get your last email? Tabitha H.
41. In which stores would you choose to max out your credit card? Some groovy independent record store.
42. Bedtime? Usually between 11 and 12.
43. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? Whoever chooses to.
44. Last person you went to dinner with? Corrinne and Nancy
45. What are you listening to right now? Ruby Vroom. By Sole Coffin. I mean, um, Soul Coughing.
46. What is your favorite color? Blue. Can you tell?
***********
I am now in Colorado for the Holy Weekend. In exchange for the fun of not staying at the airport, my car is going to see Ben Folds without me. But I told my chauffeur-who-needed-a-car-for-the-weekend to get that piano player's hands to sign me an autograph on my car. It will be as good as if I had gone myself...
Transitioning to new technology is always hard. Good thing those medieval monks had tech service reps.
My dad says, "Now if he had had a MacBook, he would never have had to call the helpdesk....
I just had to post an entry to say that, in my bid to become the most prolific blogger on the covblog network, I now have as many entries posted as Evan does. He has more comments than me, though. And I don't think I will ever catch up with Jeannette. So perhaps third place is as good as it gets. But the best way to beat people, I've found, is not to tell them it's a competition...
The other 98% must be imagined...
Actually, you can change the numbers around: they aren't taken from any study. I just felt like quipping a snarky line about the way statistics work.
I feel like this should go in a poem somewhere. I am just too lazy to write one.
The stars shone more brightly then.
We just couldn't see them.
So if you, dear Reader, feel so inclined to write a poem, do so in the comments section below. Whether your creations are funny, tragic, inspirational, or didactic, I will read them all, and this blog will be a better place because of it.
do i look like tori amos? a little?
it was suggested that i look like her...and so i wonder in my quest to share facial features with stardom, is it true? so perhaps i should become a rock goddess and marry a British sound engineer. i think i could live with that.
Whenever I am asked "If your life were adapted to screen, who would play your part?" I am always forced to fall back on the uncertain "Oh, I don't know....um, Sandra Bullack?" simply because I can't think of anyone else who looks remotely like me. Though Sandra Bullack actually reminds me more of my mom than of me. But just to check on this long held suspicion, I ran the Who Is Your Celebrity Lookalike photo match...and came up negative. So I tried a different photo. And got one match. Sandra Bullack.
So really the bottom line is what I have known all along: I don't look like anyone in Hollywood. Truly, my friends, I have a face made for radio....
Evan found an intriguing story and asked the provocative question: the Lady or the Tiger?.
This is my analysis of what I think really happened, the happy ending to an otherwise unhappy choice.
Opera:
She waves her hand to the right, indicating the door the young man must choose. He opens it. A fierce snarl echoes throughout the arena. Horrified, his eyes dart to the princess, his mouth uttering infathomable pleas. The tiger crouches. The princess starts. Justice will be achieved. But her heart bleeds. Her mind snaps. Shrieks burst from her lips. She tears herself from her privileged seat and leaps from the parapet. The tiger springs. The prince disappears beneath a frenzy of blood and fur splattered. The heap of princess-that-was stirs. It crawls, agonizingly slow, towards the carnage in front of the right door. The tiger looks up, blood dripping from its jowls. The pile-of-princess stares the tiger in the eye. "You think you have owned him," she hisses. "But no one takes him from me." And gathering the last remains of her lover in her arms, she kisses him, desperately, the breath leaving their bodies as they enter the great beyond in passionate embrace. Of course this all takes about 20 minutes for them to stop singing to each other, and finally just die....
Gothic Romance Novel:
The princess waves her hand to the right. The young man steps forward and opens the door. Jubilant music bursts forth as the enchanting lady steps from behind the door. The young man looks up at the princess, seated in the arena. Her eyes, streaming the misery of her choice, stare resolutely away. But no matter. His hand reaches beneath his tunic and draws forth a dagger. He plunges it into his chest and sinks to the ground: he would have chosen the tiger. The crowd gasps, arresting the princess' attention. Mortified, the princess throws herself over the parapet and lands beside her dying lover. "No, no, no," she moans. "How could I live with another woman?" her lover gasps. His eyes close. He is gone. From behind the left hand door, the tiger growls. The princess looks up and crawls over to the door. Flinging it open, she stares the tiger in the eye. "Do your worst," she cries. "I am already dead!" The tiger springs. The princess is no more. The crowd hushes in awe. From thence forward, the arena was abandoned and public entertainment vanished from the land. A rose briar, watered by the blood of the lovers, grew over the spot where the two fell. The arena crumbled to dust, but the briar grew and grew. And they say that when the moon is full, you can still see the princess weeping over her loved one, just before the tiger springs.
Hollywood:
The princess waves to the right hand door and nods to her handmaiden who is positioned strategically near the parapet. The young man steps forward and opens the door. A fierce snarl echoes throughout the arena. "Father! You just don't understand!" she whines to the king as she leaps to the top of the parapet. A gasp ripples through the crowd. The handmaiden hands the princess a rope and dagger and the princess belays down the wall into the arena. She tosses the dagger to her lover who turns just in time to plunge it into the heart of the springing beast. "Darling!" he cries. "You didn't think...," the princess asks anxiously. "Never!" and he shuts her up with a passionate embrace. "We defy the world!" the two shout at the consternated arena. The two run through the now empty door and escape through the castle air ducts. They lived happily ever after in a rose-covered cottage on the edge of a village with very nice schools. Their eldest son went to Harvard.
:EDIT:: There is also the Camus version wherein the young man soliloquizes for 1500 words, facing the inevitability of his death, and we get a very detailed description of the splinters in the door and the smell of the dust in the arena.
For everyone who loves a good Boy Band Song, I bring you The Title of the Song.
So sit back, relax, and enjoy a fascinating sneak peek behind the scenes at what really goes into Boy Band songwriting...
Just in time for pre-Valentine's Valentining....
Song courtesy of Sarah, to whom I also confessed my secret plan to marry someone based entirely on his music collection: it has to be fairly extensive, demonstrate wide variety, and not overlap too much with mine (if, of course, he had the entire set of Beatles and Radiohead albums, I wouldn't complain, because that would just show the man had good taste, but what would be the point of marrying him if our collections were identical. I don't think I could do it). "Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear, my friend, we are too much alike," she laughed.
It's true: some people marry for money, some people marry for love. I'm all about the music.
I enjoy listening to these songs back to back. What wisdom the world of musicals brings us....
And this is perhaps why I find Camelot to be so compelling...
First read Tuggy's list. Here are my contributions to the Alternative Lit section of cyberspace...
The Importance of Being Furnaced: The tale of a girl who froze to death because she had no central heating... [I actually cheated by changing too many letters, but I liked it...]
The Temp Pest: You've all worked with one of these nightmares from the employment agency...
Rime and Punishment: What happened to Fezzik when Vizzini finally lost it....
Luke alerted me to the existence of rock lullabies. Man, I wish I had children. Be that as it may, I might pre-order them ALL (the albums, not the children). This will be better than mother's milk for any future progeny. My children will cut their teeth on Beetles and Radiohead and maybe even a good solid Bjork. Now if only I could find lullaby versions of All Tomorrow's Parties and Femme Fatale....
This also makes me happy...
EDIT: On second thought, these albums are entirely glockenspiels. Not that I have anything against glockenspiels, but if I want my children to love glockenspiels, I will play them some Sufjan, not the Ramones. As my mother-who-is-always-right pointed out:
I like the concept, however I think YOU could do better renditions. Listen to the Eagles "Witchy Woman." The poor child (and I might add MY grandchild) would have night mares!!! Listen from album to album. The music starts becoming dull and repetitive- kinda like new age music. The point is to inspire the child not put it into a mindless funk. Like I said, I think you should do your own lullaby renditions. I would buy your lullabies and maybe let my grandkids listen to them to boot!
So perhaps I will just put my children to sleep with the originals.
I seem to have entangled myself in a number of poking wars on Facebook. It is best not to get involved in poking wars with athletic people because they are dang competitive, but well, once you start there is no going back. I suggested to one participant that we call it a cold war, but when told that "cold wars are boring, something with spice is more exciting," well, I just couldn't resist replying with the following:
A long time ago, in a Seasoning far far away...
It is a period of Civil War. Rosemary Spiceships, striking from a hidden spice cabinet, have won their first victory against the evil Paprika Empire.
During the battle, Rosemary spies managed
to steal secret plans to the Empire's
ultimate weapon, the Dill Star, an
armored spice station with enough
cayenne pepper to destroy an entire planet.
Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents,
Princess Lemon Grass races home aboard her
spiceship, custodian of the stolen plans
that can save her people and restore
fennel to the galaxy....
I got this from sarah-twin's sister's blog. I love homeschooling...
How does a homeschooler change a lightbulb?
First, mom checks three books on electricity out of the library, then
the kids make models of light bulbs, read a biography of Thomas Edison and
do a skit based on his life.
Next, everyone studies the history of lighting methods, wrapping up
with dipping their own candles.
Next, everyone takes a trip to the store where they compare types of
light bulbs as well as prices and figure out how much change they'll get if
they buy two bulbs for $1.99 and pay with a five dollar bill.
On the way home, a discussion develops over the history of money and
also Abraham Lincoln, as his picture is on the five dollar bill.
Finally, after building a homemade ladder out of branches dragged from
the woods, the light bulb is installed.
And there is light.
**************
Another version...
1 person to contact HSLDA to see if there is a legal loop hole to
change a lightbulb without first asking the local department of education.
1 person to contact the co-op to see if there is enough interest to
have a field day to watch the changing of the lightbulb.
1 person to form a committee to determine whether this is a
homeschooling or unschooling type activity.
2 people to actually go out to the store and purchase the lightbulb
(this should ideally be a 2nd grader and their parent so that the parent can
explain about the price per unit item as well as point out the
differences in wattage).
You may participate as you feel led...
1. Favorite or least favorite word: My favorite word is autological. Heterological is also pretty cool because it is a paradox, a paradox, an ingenious paradox...but it sort of makes my head hurt after a while.
2. What is your most irrational fear? My most irrational fear is that the airplane I am traveling on will spontaneously plummet out of the sky.
3. What is one strange habit of yours? I like to correct online quiz grammar.
4. What is your favorite big fish? My favorite big fish is the one that swallowed Jonah.
5. What is your favorite pen? My favorite pen is the one that works.
6. What is your favorite color combination? I really like brown and pink because it reminds me of chocolate and roses, but I don't actually own anything AT ALL that fits that color scheme...
7. What is your favorite star name? My favorite star name is Johnny Depp.
8. What is the best brand of highlighter markers? The best brand of highlighter markers are also The Ones That Work. The worst brand are the Black Highlighters. Those didn't last long.
9. Where is the best outdoor location? The best outdoor location is located outdoors.
10. What is the worst poem in the world? The worst poem in the world is this ten item list. First, because it is symmetrical. And second because it is not even a poem.
So funny...Does anyone know if this is the result of mad video editing skills?
Step 1: Put your iTunes or equivalent on random.
Step 2: Post the first line from the songs that play
Step 3: Move the songs when someone guesses correctly.
Step 4: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING! On the contrary, if you know the artist and have the song on your computer, I see nothing wrong with browsing thru your own music library to find a match.
Step 5: Solve the puzzle.
Step 6: Hints are provided to make it easier/harder. Hints may sound weird, but they ARE somehow related to either the performer or the song. (I apologize because most of my hints are really bad puns, but hey, it's a Funke and her music we are talking about here...)
PS I skipped the instrumental pieces of music and the C-Pop. I am not going to transcribe the Firebird or Kind of Blue and I don't have Chinese characters on my computer. I also skipped stuff that was really really obscure, or if an artist was getting overly represented.
********************
1. After years of waiting, nothing came. (So you want a hint? I'm a reasonable woman, get off my case...)
2. I am the anti-Ithycus; tried to fly up through the sky; didn't care if he died, such anti-thesis. (I will be surprised if anyone gets the actual song, but the artist is from Arizona...)
3. Righteous men of the earth, o have you been patient (2 states down; 48 left to go).
4. Jenny said that she was just five years old; there was nothing happening at all.
5. Creme tangerine and Montélimar; a ginger sling with a pineapple heart (this band might bug you till you get it....okay that was a bad hint...)
6. Don't mean a thing, if you ain't got that swing. (A jazz royale)
7. Hosanna, hosanna, hosanna, hosanna, excelsius. (We need to get "back" to the basics with this one...ah, another bad hint....)
8. So many fish there in the sea; I wanted you, you wanted me. (What is that song doing in my iTunes? I believe it is doing the backstroke, sir.)
9. There's nothing you can do that can't be done, there's nothing you can sing that can't be sung.... (No hint necessary for this one)
10. Running to and fro hard working at the mill, never failed at the mill yet come a rotten bill (the roots of rock n roll right here....)
11. The myriad choices of his fate set themselves out upon a plate (what I notice about this song is the viola; I actually can't understand the lyrics very well.)
12. Well my name it is Sam Hall, it is Sam Hall. (Joaquin Phoenix's alter ego....)
13. Bloodstains on the carpet, bloodstains on my hands
14. My name is Leslie Ann Levine; my mother birthed me down a dry ravine (This one is too easy...no hints given)
15. You say wanna revolution, well you know, we all want to change the world (again no hint)
16. Jo-jo was a man who thought he was a loner, but he knew it couldn't last (no hint again, for extra credit name the album)
17. Alexander, our older brother, set forth a great adventure
18. And with his stripes we are healed (this is rather easy, too, if you have a handle on your music history)
19. To life, to life, L'chai-im! (Ah, one of my top five favorite musicals...)
20. Resonet in Laudibus (considering that the first line usually IS the title for these sorts of songs, I will refrain from further hinting.)
21. Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day you fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
22. Transport, motorways and tramlines, starting and then stopping, taking off and landing, the emptiest of feelings
23. Honey pie, honey pie (um, this is rather painfully obvious)
24. We come on the Sloop John B., my grandfather and me
25. It was 20 years ago today, Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play (again, obvious)
26. Tourists rob you of your home in sunken boats, and you can hide quiet as a mouse, but they'll find you out
27. As I was motivating, back in town, I saw a Cadillac sign saying "no money down," (more rock in roll goodness)
28. They say the joint was a-rockin, going round and round (the previous song is the hint)
29. From the housetops to the gutters, from the oceans to the shore, the warning signs have all been bright and garish, far too great in number to ignore
30. Oh life, with your shoulders in the mirror from the park when Dakota ran and brought you there
31. Lonesome cowboy bill, rides the rodeo; lonesome cowboy bill, you got to see him yodel ay-hee-ho! (off this band's most rock in roll album)
32. This thing called love, I just can't handle it
33. When I get home, I'll think about you
34. Stagger Lee met Billy and they go down to gambling (punk sounding like Beach Boys here...)
35. In the town where I was born, lived a man who sailed to sea, and he told us of his life, in the land of submarines...
36. I've got the horse right here, the name is Paul Revere, and there's a guy that says if the weather's clear, can do, can do... (another one of my top five musicals...)
37. Let his flesh not be torn, let his blood leave no stain, though they beat him, let him feel no pain (We're really not in Kansas musicals anymore, are we? I kind of forgot this was in my iTunes...)
38. I look at all the lonely people....
39. They're selling postcards of the hanging, they're painting the passports brown, the beauty parlor is filled with sailors, the circus is in town
40. Help! I need somebody, not just anybody, you know I need someone....
41. What if there is was no light, nothing wrong, nothing right (ah, Radiohead wanna bes, but I love them anyway...)
42. High flying, adored, so young, an instant queen (another top five musical....)
43. I can't seem to face up to the facts, I'm tense and nervous and can't seem to relax
44. I've got a bike, you can ride it if you like
45. Welcome, mousieur, sit yourself down, and meet the best innkeeper in town (I have a lot of musicals on hand, oui, oui?)
46. Think of me, think of me fondly when you say goodbye (not really a narrative song in the musical)
47. Be gracious to me, for I'm falling away, hear me O Lord, for my bones are dismayed (being a psalm, the text should provide a hint)
48. I'll be your mirror, reflect what you are
49. Getting too busy to make amends, I should try to make it right (Scottish band....I love the chorus: "Maybe I can do it if I put my back into it I can leave it if I want it but there's no where else that I can go")
50. Look at me, I'm a movie star, every inch a movie star (Another obscure musical, have fun)
I have become rather addicted to Add a Ninja. This one, a well-reasoned critique of the Pirates of the Caribbean, is for my family. So on target:
RAOTGAYIAL: rolling around on the ground and yes I am laughing.
IRHTGTTBBIWBTLSJWTIGB: I really have to go to the bathroom but I won't be too long so just wait till I get back.
AICTABITTCOIS: Anyway, I'm changing topic abruptly because I think the current one is stupid.
Stephen, the friend from back home who doesn't have blog so there's no link here, told me I needed to go Ask a Ninja. Trusting Stephen's sense of humor, I complied. This is what I got. :)
Hey, RedRover, think Ninja Bob could give this guy a run for his money?
I must say, this is really reminiscent of Strongbad and the email phenomenon.
And for all you who suffer from Job Boredom, here are a few helpful hints:
And I need to get me one of these ninternships...
Not to be left out of the whole nostalgic cartoons craze, I present to the world a snippet of my past.
I bring you, of course, the Disney Trio: DuckTales, Chip N Dale, and TaleSpin.
I had a mild crush on Dale. (Is crush the right word here? Maybe I just had a special place in my heart for utter goofballs...just like I always rooted for Bob Hope when he appeared in those countless Road to Exotic Destination of Your Choice films with Bing Crosby...)
My childhood must be defended and preserved!!!
This is just for fun. I actually don't remember watching this particular episode as a kid, but Laura did. I find the Muppet Babies rather innovative in how they make the "real" footage the kids' imagination and the "cartoon" footage the real time instead of the other way around. Although, I suppose the boundary between real/imagination is already very blurry. Kind of like Calvin and Hobbes. And the mythology that surrounds the faceless nanny....fun, fun.
And this my friends is why classical music shall never die!
I think that the title of a cautionary tale is about as much fun to write as the Harlequin Romance tagline. And so I invite the fair readership of How to Disappear Completely to participate in a Cautionary Tale Title Writing Contest. First prize is a cannister of Rollings Reliable Baking Powder....
Here are a few sample titles from the master, Hilaire Belloc, in order to get the creative juices flowing....
Jim, Who Ran Away from his Nurse, and Was Eaten by a Lion
Matilda, Who Told Lies and Was Burnt to Death
Henry King, Who Chewed Bits of String and Was Early Cut Off in Dreadful Agonies
Rebecca, Who Slammed Doors for Fun and Perished Miserably
Here is an example of a rather serious cautionary tale, taken from Very Bad Poetry:
Lines Written for a Friend, on the Death of His Brother, Caused by a Railway Train Running Over Him Whilst He Was in a State of Inebriation
by James Henry Powell
How oft alas my brother have I warned thee to beware
The horrid spells of guilt which led the drunkards' life to care,
But no! You heeded not the warning words I spoke with pain,
Your wretched soul that once was pure was bound as in a chain,
At length one cold October when the night was late and dark,
The awful doom came on which sank thy life's unsteady barque;
Thy mangled corpse upon the rails in frightful shape was found,
The ponderous train had killed thee as its frightful wheels went round.
And my entry title is not my submission, but rather a somewhat inexcusable plagiarism...
Christmas passed with cheer on the Funke Farms. Gone are the days when we woke up at 6am and jumped on our parents' bed. These days our parents come and jump on our beds. But at least we have Christa to keep us all on track. Otherwise we would never get around to opening gifts. We would simply putter round the house, enjoying the fresh coffee and eggnog (did you know that pouring eggnog in hot coffee causes some sort of chemical reaction? at least, the coffee threatens to boil over for a brief moment; makes me wonder if we should be mixing these drinks so early in the morning), and nibbling on stollen (I'm telling you, those Dutch might claim superiority, but nothing beats being German on Christmas morning).
Some highlights included receiving an anthology of bad poetry. Make that very bad poetry. Anna and I agreed that it was rather fortuitous that the poetry was clearly labeled, otherwise we might have been tempted to like some of it, and then where would our aesthetic taste have gone? To the dogs, I'm telling you. We need clearly defined boundaries or we'll never know what we like.
However, I did agree with the book's assessment of the Victorian genre of "baby talk" poems. Not only are they extremely hard to read (much like the "dialect" poems of early 20th century American poetry) but they are all about angelic children who cheerfully live horrific existences: "The Happy Little Cripple" would hardly fly in a politically correct anthology today.
Here is another gem lifted straight from the book:
"The Most Anticlimatic Poem
It is no easy task to take a dramatic subject and, through a line of ill-conceived verse, rob it of all drama whatsoever. Yet this is what the very bad poet does. The more advanced very bad poet takes it one step further--writing about a banal subject and descending to the more banal with a thud.
from The Grand Rapids Cricket Club by Julia A. Moore
When Mr. Dennis does well play,
His courage is full great,
And accidents to him occur,
But not much though, of late."
Best bad poetry title: "Lines Written for a Friend on the Death of His Brother, Caused by a Railway Train Running Over Him Whilst He Was in a State of Inebriation." I suppose the only difference between this and Hilaire Belloc is that the latter was intentionally comedic whereas the bad poet was not...one can but love the cautionary tale... ("And that, children, is why you always leave a note!" ~Arrested Development)
I also watched The Devil and Daniel Johnston, which might have been a mistake on Christmas day because it was rather depressing. But fascinating, if you are into music, mental illness, artistic creation, or a combination of all three.
And we had margheritas in the evening. As my mom blended the ice, mix, and tequila together I remarked, "Hey, it's just like smoothies for adults."
Currently listening to Into the Woods soundtrack...Next up is The Apple Tree soundtrack. In high school, my mom was involved with this musical and so she sings the songs to us on occasion. Especially this one, which makes me smile...
Okay, I found this email forward to be rather funny....although I must admit to feeling slightly guilty about finding it funny...
1) Schizophrenia---- Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?
2) Amnesia-- I Don't Remember If I'll be Home for Christmas
3) Narcissistic-- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
4) Manic-- Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And Fire Hydrants And...........
5) Multiple Personality Disorder----We Three Queens Disoriented Are
6) Paranoid---Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Us
7) Borderline Personality Disorder--- You Better Watch Out, You Better not Shout, I'm Gonna Cry, and I'll not Tell You Why
8) Full Personality Disorder--- Thoughts of Roasting You On an Open Fire
9) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
10) Agoraphobia---I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House
11) Senile Dementia---Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe
12) Oppositional Defiant Disorder---I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House
13) Social Anxiety Disorder---Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
14) Attention Deficit Disorder--We Wish You......Hey Look!! It's Snowing!!!
In case you ever wondered, the Hipster Handbook clarifies this debatable point for us all.
Of course, no self-respecting hipster would ever be caught reading this book ["Hipsters never admit to being Hipsters" (13)], unless, of course, they did so ironically. You can get away with anything if you do it ironically.
And of course the music is all-important:
"It's easy to spot hipsters in the personals. Instead of describing their hair and eye color, they say 'I like Cave-In and The Clash.'" (12)
So true. So true.
I refuse to say the word deck, though. I've never heard anyone else use it, and would feel somewhat counter-counter-cultural doing so.
